Review: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

(The setting is a cluttered writers' room. Empty pizza boxes and soda bottles completely cover the stained carpet. Three men- Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, and Alex Kurtzman- are attempting to create storyboards for the "Transformers" sequel. However, they are suffering from an intense case of writer's block. Ehren and Roberto are nervously pacing around the room. Alex is tossing a Nerf basketball into the air.)

Roberto: Guys! We have to come up with something! Our meeting with Mr. Bay is tomorrow and he wants the entire storyboard mapped out!

Ehren: And we can't make just any old film. Dreamworks wants this to be huge. They want to set records for the opening day.

Alex: (still tossing a Nerf basketball) Look, I know you guys wanted to create "the perfect sequel," but it's time to face facts: If we don't get something down, we can say goodbye to all the free pizza.

Roberto: You're right A. (snatches the ball out of mid-air). Ok, let's think. What will appeal to our fan base?

Ehren: You mean all those white frat boys and country bumpkins? (chuckles) We've already got Megan Fox. (rolls eyes)

Alex: Right (staring longingly at his Nerf ball). What if we have her laying out on a car or motorcycle to start the film? That'll get everyone into it!

Ehren: This isn't a photo shoot, Alex. We can't just have her sprawled out on a motorcycle! No one will believe that!

Alex: (perhaps under the influence of a narcotic) Man, you gotta stop thinking inside the box (draws a box with his fingers). We only have a few hours left. I say anything goes.

Roberto: Alright, alright. How is this thing going to start out?

Ehren: Let's have Sam going off to college. Then the film can be about reconciling his normal life with his former involvement with the Transformers.

Alex: Yeah! And when he goes off to college, his apartment should be full of beautiful co-eds! And there can be a frat party in which girls dance around like a strip club. It would be off the CHAIN! (snatches back the Nerf ball from Roberto)

Ehren: Uh, that's not what college looks like.

Alex: Man, most of our viewers don't know that! And the frat boys in the audience will be SUPER jealous.

Roberto: What about roommates?

Alex: I think his roommate should be a girl-crazed dork who is trying to uncover the alien cover-up. He'll seem tough on the outside, but when the bullets start flying, he'll cry like a baby! He'll be the annoying comic relief character this film so desperately needs.

Ehren: Wait, so Sam gets paired with the only person at the university who knows about the aliens? Don't you think that's a bit much?

Alex: You're right...Maybe if we suck up to Michael enough, he won't notice. We'll have the roommate plaster his walls with "Bad Boys" posters. You getting this down, Roberto?

Roberto: Yep! (typing furiously while sipping on a Diet Coke).

Ehren: Alex, I think you're letting the weed get in the way of (interrupted)

Alex: WEED! That's a great idea! Let's have the mom get stoned at college! It's so simple! How could I have overlooked this possibility! (still under the influence of an illegal substance) She can go on a rampage around campus.

(Ehren rubs eyes in tired disbelief)

Roberto: Ok, ok. Enough with the people. We have to create some new robot characters too.

Ehren: I was thinking that it might be amusing to have an ice cream truck be one of the autobots. Then, after he transforms, he can be one of the toughest transformers of them all! It will show children that they shouldn't judge people by their outward appearances.

Alex: I like the idea, but I don't know if that will resonate with our audience. What if we have two of the autobots be African Americans?

Ehren: They are CARS! How are we going to make them "black"?

Alex: Two words, my friend: Gold. Teeth. Also, they can talk in jive-speak. Say things like, "Hey, let's bust a cap in his butt!"

Roberto: I don't know, man. That sounds pretty racist. Besides, we already know Tyrese is going to be doing the film. He probably won't like all the stereotypes.

Alex: That's ok. We'll get him on it too. Let's only give him a few lines, and all of them will be along the lines of, "We about to get our asses whooped!"

Ehren: You're just encouraging the audience to laugh at racial stereotypes! Roberto, I can't believe you're going along with this!

Roberto: We are on a deadline...

Alex: Alright, smart guy. If you don't like my ideas, why don't you pitch one of your own gems? (fires the ball at him)

Ehren: (catches ball in dramatic fashion) Ok. I think we need to frame the war against the decepticons as an international struggle for peace. We can show the diplomatic actions of the United States in trying to build a multi-national coalition to fight a common foe. In this way, maybe we can make a larger point about the difficulties in fighting the war on terror.

Alex: (fakes snoring) No one in the audience will understand that! Maybe if we throw in a joke or two at France's expense...

Ehren: No! Absolutely not. (Tosses Nerf ball in trash can) We might as well just have the military go to the Middle East and talk about how backwards the people are there! Blow up the pyramids while we're at it!

(Roberto and Alex share a knowing look. Roberto returns to his computer)

Alex: Alright, you want a political statement? How about this...We can have a finicky government bureaucrat trying to shut down the alliance between the military and the autobots. He can represent the Obama administration. The conservative audience will love the suggestion that Obama is anti-military.

Ehren: That sounds like a stock character from every cheap television police show! And why are we bringing Obama(interrupted)

Alex: OH MY GOD. I have the perfect idea: DOGS HUMPING.

Ehren: (slams fist on table, sending an empty pizza box flying) That is IT! We are better than this, guys. Listen, I came to Hollywood because I love writing. I could have done anything else in the world, but I wanted people to hear my voice through film. When we reduce the script to easy jokes about pot, racism, and jingoism we're demeaning the audience. They can handle smart humor and complex storylines. I know the first Transformers movie wasn't great, but we can make a sequel that is worthy of our abilities as writers. Sure, it might take a little more effort...but we will have the sense of satisfaction in knowing we created an enduring piece of film history. Whaddya say, fellas?

(Roberto and Alex nod, staring stoically back at Ehren.)

(Flash forward to the present. "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" earns a record 60 million dollars on the opening day. Alex, Roberto, and Ehren are on a giant boat with glasses of expensive champagne)

Alex: (raises his glass) Bottoms up, bitches!

(end film)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: 0/5